Born in spring, a new life begins A baby boy born of woman Inheriting his ancestor’s sins Crying over once again being human
Summer
Youth manifests its boundless energy Sun rays bake skin golden brown Playing, prancing, light and fancy-free With energy that knows no bounds
Autumn
Tree leaves that fill Van Gogh with jealousy Love blossoms within expectant hearts Lover’s bodies meld zealously A lifetime ahead for these sweethearts
Winter
The icy cold clatters these aged bones Heartbroken by Death’s finality The flag I fly is skull and crossbones My body, icy cold, stiff, shivering
But Then…A New Mysterious Season
An angel of mercy graced my threshold Tossed aside my insistent futility Gently, she removed my blindfold Now spending eternity exploring infinity
I have had the privilege of sharing great love all my life. When my wife died in May of 2021 I never thought I would feel a deep, loving connection again. But God took pity on me and sent me an angel disguised as a woman. That was rather sneaky of IT as I wanted no part of this earthly existence anymore. I am forever grateful. I just wonder what IT expects in return. Whatever it may be it should be very interesting indeed.
Fighting to find fleeting memories Like ghosts, they pervade her dreams They escape when she awakes Leaving her nothing left to claim
Left alone with her imagination Exploring her heart for any inspiration Finding dissatisfaction in every action Desperately seeking a spiritual transaction
Disturbing to her that she received so selfishly Gifts provided prophetically Granted by God for her spiritual benefit She’s become an imperfect perfectionist
Her days of delightfully dancing departed The reward she earned, brokenhearted The days, they fade away In a web of disappointing ways
He was in no hurry. On a beautiful day such as this, every moment was one to cherish. The breeze was rustling through the palms ever so gently as the white willow wisps of clouds painted ghostly shadows on the gently rolling hills.
It had been a long time, lifetimes to Paul since he strolled through the narrow cobblestone streets of this tiny seaside fishing village. The villagers were just now beginning to start their day. The women could be heard in the houses trying to stir their families into action. Most of the men were already out to sea, hoping for a good catch to bring to market.
Paul left the road, taking his time strolling out towards the hillside that overlooked the azure waters. He stopped on the hilltop to enjoy the ocean breeze in his face and the gulls frolicking overhead that instilled a feeling of great inner peace and oneness with creation within him. He had forgotten how good it was to relax and not take the world so personally. After all, I’m just a traveler at a rest stop, not the conqueror of empires.
The laughter of the children playing on the beach that spread out below him snapped Paul from his revelry. What greater joy could be found than in a child’s laughter. And then he saw her. From this distance, it was hard to tell if she was one of the children. Round and round she raced with the kids, laughing and splashing in the surf that caressed the white sand beach. “I do believe this merits investigation,” he said to himself. Without further hesitation, he ripped off his shoes and ran down to the beach.
Paul was stunned. She was drop-dead gorgeous. She had a timeless beauty that would have been stunning in any century. Her long blonde hair and soft pastel dress lent an air of radiance about her. As she approached him her large green eyes and marvelously sculptured lips broke into an irresistible smile that could melt the polar ice cap. The web was already cast, and Paul was the contented victim.
“Hi, there. A beautiful day, is it not?” said a voice that could make angels jealous. While Paul tried to find his voice all he could do was shake his head in the affirmative and grin stupidly. “Would you like to play tag with us? Oh, I’m sorry, let me introduce myself. I’m Keeri, and you are?”
“P-Paul,” he managed to stutter over a still handicapped tongue.
Keeri had a questioning look in her eyes, thinking to herself that Paul must be new around here for she could not remember seeing him before. And she would most definitely remember that event. As she studied him more closely she came to the conclusion he was attractive, h-m-m, extremely attractive, she thought. He stood about six inches taller than her, she being five foot nine. His body was, well, perfect. He had deep-set blue eyes that exuded a penetrating strength but a sense of serenity at the same time. His chin was strong with a sexy cleft, his nose slightly bigger than ideal, and his brown hair looked as if it hadn’t been cut for some time. But it was his smile and lips that caught her attention as she found herself wanting to kiss them a few thousand times at this very moment.
“Sure”, said Paul. I’d love to play with you, and, uh, the kids.”
As they played and laughed and shared their love of children their admiration for each other grew. Their glances grew longer until they could no longer keep their eyes from one another. No longer did they hear the water lapping on the shore or the gulls screeching overhead. They became a world unto themselves, living for the moment, afraid to ask questions better left unanswered.
Never had either of them felt such a powerful connection before. It was as if there was no beginning or end to this crazy love, it was simply waiting for fulfillment.
Keeri took Paul to one of her favorite secluded spots along the shore. With the sound of the water breaking on the shore, they spent what was left of the morning making love and making friends. Keeri then suggested they grab a morsel of food and some homemade wine.
As they wound their way through the mostly deserted, narrow village streets Kari asked, “Where are you from Paul?”
Paul stifled a laugh and replied, “Well to tell you the truth I’ve never lived in one place long enough to call home. If I had to pick one I guess it would be Chicago.”
“How about family, friends, or maybe a wife?” laughed Keeri with a mischievous gleam in her eye.
“No family alive. A few friends scattered all over the globe. Negative on the wife.”
“Sorry about your family. I never did catch your last name.”
“Winter, what’s yours?”
“Sorenson.”
“Have you lived here all your life?” asked Paul.
“Since I was three. We moved from Minnesota. My parents have been dead for some time now. My older brother and sister got me through my teen years. And, they have the scars to prove it. My sister married and followed her husband to St. John’s and my brother John went back to the States. It gets lonely sometimes but there are always stray sailors coming ashore to entertain me” joked Keeri with a mischievous smile. “Here’s the place I call home.”
It was a small but quaint bungalow with colorful red bricks that matched the cobblestone road that led to it. “Come on in and take a load off,” said Keeri. Paul had other ideas and swept her into his arms and carried her through the small living area into the bedroom. Several hours later as Keeri was throwing some dinner together she asked Paul, “Have you been on the island long?”
“Just got in yesterday,” was Paul’s brief customary reply.
“What do you do that requires so much traveling?” she asked.
“I’m a writer.”
“I didn’t know writers traveled so much. I know, you’re a travel writer, right?”
Trying hard to suppress a laugh Paul said, “No-oo. I was a news journalist for many years. It was a very exciting job at first, but it became limiting in the sense that the media considers all the negative aspects of life as news. It was becoming harder and harder for me to smile and laugh. So I quit, bought a sailboat, and set out looking for fairy tales to write.”
Keeri just sat staring into his deep blue eyes which reflected a certain ageless quality while trying to figure out just what she was getting herself into. “You’re a strange man Paul Winter. I’ve known you for less than a day and I love you like I’ve known you for lifetimes. I feel like a giddy school girl.”
Paul’s typical blunt response, “Hey, let’s eat and head out to catch the sunset with some of that wicked wine of yours.”
“Sounds good to me.”
They both ate in silence, consumed with the notion that something very special was happening. Paul had never known love such as this could exist for him. God, she’s beautiful. She is so alive. I’m the firewood and she’s the match.
On the other side of the table for two Keeri was bubbling over with wonder over this whole crazy affair. Nothing like this had ever remotely entered her mind. Never had she met a man with such quiet strength and at the same time such an easy laugh. He had a contagious laugh that was irresistible. And the eyes, so mysterious, as if there were so many secrets he could share if only…
“Dinner was awesome. What fish was that?”
“Mahi Mahi, with coconut rice and my homemade mango salsa,” smiled a proud Keeri while she twirled like a schoolgirl.
“Wow! That was so amazing. She can cook too!’ exclaimed Paul with a laugh. “Come on. We’re going to miss that sunset. Grab the wine and let’s head for hills.”
It was an idyllic evening. A warm tropical breeze toyed with Keeri’s hair, which seemed on fire, reflecting the crimson hues that were painting the sky with reds and oranges. Not to be outdone, the thin, wispy clouds were mirrors reflecting the beautiful colors.
“It’s as if God has painted a picture for us tonight,” said Keeri. They sat there on the hilltop in silence, awed by the spectacle surrounding them.
Paul, lying on his back, began to write something in the air with his finger. Wondering what weird thing he was up to Keeri could not hold back her curiosity. “Now what are doing?”
“I’m writing our initials in the sky,” said a very serious Paul who may have been feeling the effects of the wine.
“A little tipsy Paul?” laughed Keeri.
“No, really, come here and I’ll show you,” stated the still serious Paul. With Keeri lying next to him cheek to cheek Paul pointed to a cloud in the sky and said, “there, you see it? Plain as day, K.S. and P.W.”
“No,” said a suspicious Keeri who was beginning to wonder if she fell for a madman.
“Watch, I’ll trace it for you.” He took Keeri’s hand, pointed her finger, and began to trace their initials. Now it seemed to Keeri, lying there in total wonderment, that their initials were forming in the clouds. “Yes, yes I can see them now!” exclaimed Keeri.
Paul rolled over, giving her a big kiss, looked deeply into her eyes, and said with a snicker in his voice, “Who’s feeling a little tipsy now?” With that he slapped her fanny, leaped up, and began to run down the hill laughing, not forgetting to grab the wine on the way.
Keeri followed screaming, “I’ll get you for that!” When they were both exhausted they fell on the beach laughing in between gasps for air.
When she was finally able to squelch the giggles Keeri asked, “Please take me to your boat. I’d like to see where the famous Paul Winter, spinner of yarns, makes his home.” They took their time getting to the pier where Paul’s boat was docked. “What’s her name?” she asked as they mounted the deck.
“The Winds of Mer Kailesh.” “Where’s Mer Kailesh?” asked Keeri. Paul responded with a glimmer in his eye, “That’s another fairytale. Come on, I’ll show you around.” After a brief tour and some moonlight skinny-dipping, they sat on the deck finishing the wine while being lulled by the gentle waves caressing the boat.
“Stargazing is lovely for a while, but let’s go to bed,” whispered Keeri seductively. “Yeah, I’m really tired,” laughed Paul.
Keeri rose along with the sun. She had not slept all night thinking about this strange and wonderful man. She found some paper and a pen and began to write.
Dearest Paul, Never have I known love could reach such heights. My time spent with you was like heaven on earth. It is funny, but I was afraid I would fall in love with you and be crushed when you left. But I’m aglow and blushing with a radiance I’ve never felt before. My love for you will never end — I think you know that. See you when I see you.
Love Keeri PS Write about us. It will make a great fairytale.
She walked down the small pier feeling silly, laughing out loud. Besides, I get seasick. And I did see those initials.
Paul’s effort to open his eyes was like a drawbridge struggling to raise its heavy load. For someone who rarely drank alcohol, the wine had certainly taken its toll. “Hello, anybody home?” There was no response. Maybe she went for a swim. He saw the note Keeri left sitting on the deck chair and began to read it. Amazing. I’m sitting here waiting for this great depression to descend upon me, and all I can do is sit here with this silly smile on my face. Paul dove into the crystal blue waters for a swim, thinking all the while of the love that had blossomed in him. The perfect lady on a perfect day. He dried himself off and picked up the note and read once again.
PS Write about us, it will make a great fairytale. “Yes it would,” he said to the seagull gliding overhead, sure it was Jonathan. He picked up his pen and wrote.
Lover’s poem
When we meet We shall touch the stars The little children will laugh at us And to each we shall teach love
And we’ll float on the soft summer breeze I’ll carve our initials in the clouds And in a fleeting moment That which is not tangible shall succumb
And our love will become inimitable
Will explore the silver moon And search for the silver man And we’ll mix the colors on the palette And paint the world
Then we’ll say our goodbyes And no regrets will there be Only happy memories we share And our initials in the clouds
Dedicated to a Golden Lady with eternal love Paul Winter
As a child, I dreamed I wanted to be Superman, The Flash, Spiderman, Willie Mays, Sandy Koufax, Zeus, Davy Crockett, Tarzan, Zorro, Paul McCartney, and others. It is my firm belief that I was not unusual. There is nothing like a child’s imagination when it comes to creating fantasies. Or is there?
Then we leap into the world of teen madness. The Twilight Zone, where children’s dreams go to die. Yes, the brave new world where that horrible word responsibility enters our vocabulary. I am a firm believer that the average life span of a human should be twelve years. Yes. I know. There would be fertility issues.
As a teen, I wanted to be…uh-hmm, hell if I know. Though I was a good athlete, I was not going to get drafted by the Yankees. I was average. I managed to get good grades without trying. I was socially adequate without trying. I found girls attractive. But not enough to have to convince me it was worth the effort. The greatest achievement I attained in high school was having a modicum of success without trying.
Realizing this I began to ask myself challenging questions. What’s the point of all this? Why am I here? What am I missing? It certainly was not love. I lived with and was part of a loving family. I was not destitute. My family was typical middle-class. Back when that meant something. So, I decided to go on a mission in my junior year.
A spiritual exploration. I was raised Catholic even though my parents seldom went to mass. Did I believe Jesus was the Son of God? Well…yes. But no more than any of us. I considered him and his message to be from a highly enlightened soul who chose to be a coworker with God and make the supreme effort to share his spiritual knowledge with the world. Not unlike many such souls that have walked this earth since the beginning of time and continue to this day to work behind the scenes to help us all.
I and a good friend of mine explored Buddhism for some time. I began to see a common thread. Highly evolved souls that incarnate on earth do not seek earthly rewards. If they do attain material riches they are not attached to them. In Buddha’s case, he walked away from great wealth and influence as a prince to live the life of a beggar taking charity from others. This raised an interesting question in my mind. Does one have to give up the pursuit of material things to reach spiritual enlightenment?
Then one day I was in a bookstore exploring the spirituality section and came across a book written by Brad Steiger, In My Soul I Am Free. In it, the author spends many hours with Paul Twitchell who was the modern-day founder of Eckankar. It delves into the life of Paul and discusses in length the teachings of soul travel and so much more. It has come to light through the years that Steiger was being Steiger and some of what he relates in the book is rubbish. But in the end, the result was bringing to light a most important message to the world. We are souls and we don’t have to die to experience it.
I was given a gift that day in 1972. The most precious of gifts. The realization that I am soul. Not that I have a soul. I am soul. Temporarily using this body. This changed my life in so many ways. It began to slowly sink into my thick skull that it was not an accident I happened to be in that bookstore on that day. That my life was about to drastically change. Scary stuff for a nineteen-year-old. Finally, I had something worth trying.
This all led me to my exploratory years. Those young adult years when everything is on the table. College, sex, drugs, alcohol, travel, work. It was a busy, exciting, life-altering, period of my life. During all of this I had read In My Soul I Am Free several times. Each time brought more moments of enlightenment. Was it the book? Or was I awakening to the fact I am soul? Or both? I can’t really say. In the end, it doesn’t matter. It all led to a most amazing life.
A life filled with great love, adventure, misadventures, and a greater understanding as to why I have been so blessed in this life. It really is a simple formula. It goes like this. Love God (by any name). Share God’s love.
In good times and bad times. All the time. Realize you are soul using a body to accelerate your learning curve. We learn the most from the lessons that test us. Each lesson is just a step toward graduation. There are always teachers guiding us, placing us in positions that test our resolve that eventually open us up to greater understanding. Most often we lack the awareness of their most generous guidance.
How does one gain that awareness? Do you remember when you first learned to drive? Your parents or driver-ed teachers guided you and helped you master what would become an amazing world-changing event. Your outlook and understanding of the world around you grew exponentially. You traveled to places you had never been to.
It is no different when traveling the inner worlds. Spiritual guides help us maneuver through amazing, consciousness-raising experiences throughout higher planes that exist for the benefit of our enlightenment. Most often this is done in the dream state. Why do they choose this task? Love. And so one day we may follow in their footsteps.
On earth, as it is in heaven.
So often throughout human history ignorance and misunderstanding of the role these advanced souls play in our journey home have shined a light on the purpose we are all here for. To learn to rise above ignorance, prejudice, and hate. We will continue to return to the physical plane for countless lifetimes until we learn the only lesson worth learning.
LOVE GOD ABOVE ALL ELSE. BE AN EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS TO FOLLOW. THE REWARDS FOR THIS? INDESCRIBABLE SPIRITUAL AWE.
I realize this piece will have different effects on those that read this. I apologize if this article offends you in any way. It is not intended to do so. Things of a spiritual nature always affect others in unique ways. Each of us is on our own personal journey and like the title of this article states you can only be you. And how wonderful is that? The path we walk toward God-realization is uniquely ours. We have eternity to get there.
As you well know, I was just 21 when we met. I had no clue what love was. Like everyone else at that age, I thought I did. Upon reflection, nothing could be further from the truth.
If someone at that time told me that I was going to meet this spectacularly beautiful woman who would fall madly in love with me, I would have asked them if they were tripping. I wasn’t looking for love. I was content and married to music then. Way back when my fingers still worked. Of course, you know that.
You were all my wishes come true. Though I didn’t it know then. From the moment we met, I knew I loved you. I know, it wasn’t rational. What’s rational about love?
I am still amazed at how easy love was for you. You gave it freely with no conditions attached. To everyone. But I will be eternally grateful you chose me to share eternity with. Particularly this life, as I am still left to deal with this one for a little while longer.
I have to say that you were one crazy chick when we met. It’s no wonder why I was so attracted to you. Besides your smoking hot body. We became good friends. How many times did we walk down the hall to one another’s apartment to get high and have a beer or six? I think that’s when you fell for my witty charm and good looks. Or began to feel sorry for me. Either way, it worked.
It wasn’t long after that I had the most significant moment in my life. The moment that would shape my future in the most amazing and unimaginable ways. We kissed. Both of us were not sure as you were still in a relationship, though it was failing. That moment in time will be forever imprinted in my brain. But, more importantly, it was the spark that reminded us, souls, that we are forever joined in love.
Every day was special from that moment. Through the good times and bad times. Through all the laughter and tears. Through the births of our children and the deaths of our parents. We had to learn what all parents learn. How to let go. How to watch them leave the nest and spread their wings. Because of you, it was easier than I expected. You just took it in stride, knowing the foundation we created prepared them as best we could.
I am sitting here trying to share with you everything you mean to me. I can’t. Words just fail miserably. All the times you were there for me. For the kids. Hell, for everyone. I only wish I could walk out of the office and hug you from behind like I’ve done a million times while you are preparing something in the kitchen. To kiss your neck until you can’t help but turn to me and say “Stop it. I won’t get dinner done,” as you come in for a kiss with a smile lighting the way.
You should know that many of our friends have been showing me kindness since you moved on. That should come as no surprise as they loved you dearly. As I am sure you are aware our children are coping with your departure in their way. I think it would help our daughter Kelly immensely if you visited her occasionally in her dreams to let her know everything is fine. She is still struggling and occasionally needs a mom hug.
I need to tell you this. You were an amazing mother. And wife. And lover. And friend. And daughter. And sister. You are no longer those things. You are soul. As we all are. And my love for you knows no bounds. It is endless. As is yours. Though you are not here to hold me in your arms your love enfolds me every minute of my life. For this my gratitude is boundless. I thank you for sharing with me such wondrous love. See you soon. Visit anytime.
PS. Take care of our little boy Chewy. I’m sure he is ecstatic about having his favorite lap back in his life.
Few things in life offer greater gifts than anticipation. Take a moment and reflect upon some life experiences you eagerly anticipated which gave you great joy.
Do you recall those late springs as a child when you couldn’t wait for that last day of the school year? Freedom! Freedom to roam the neighborhood, hang with friends, and occasionally do idiotic things that led to trouble with your parents. When we could stay up late at night and sleep late in the morning. Good times.
Sporting activities also present great anticipation. Your first Little League game. Your first soccer match. Your first basketball game. Do you remember how eager and nervous you were at the time? And how wonderful those experiences were?
Was there anything more anticipated as a child than Christmas morning? What gifts did Santa leave under the tree for you? Running into your parents’ room to wake them shouting, “Santa’s been here!” as you did your best to drag them from their bed. And decades later, when your children did the same to you.
As teenagers, anticipation shifts gears. Along with excitement, it can lead to doubt and trepidation. On the first day of high school when your world expands exponentially. Will I make new friends? I hope I can find all my classes. Will the seniors pick on me? Will I be accepted? Please don’t let me miss my bus.
But none of this compares to the anticipation regarding a first date. This will vary considerably if you are male or female. Generally speaking, males in high school are clueless when it comes to the opposite sex. Certainly, they are attracted to the opposite sex as hormones run rampant. The fear of rejection often stifles any attempt to ask a girl on a date. What if she says yes? What do I do then? Go ahead and laugh, girls. That fear of rejection often conquers the excitement of anticipation of a first date.
A girl in high school has an advantage regarding a first date. First, they have been preparing for this with Barbie and Ken dolls for years. They may have been changing the diapers of their younger brother and are somewhat familiar with male body parts. Practice makes perfect. This doesn’t mean they don’t fall prey to doubts and anxiety. Am I pretty enough? What should I wear that is sexy but not slutty? Should I laugh at his jokes if they’re not funny? Why isn’t Tommy asking me out? What can I do to get John to ask me out? No doubt, the anticipation we felt during our high school years tested us in various ways.
And then the biggest test of anticipation arrives. When your pulse rate explodes, and the fear of rejection is overwhelmed by your beating heart. When you begin to realize you want to share the rest of your life with someone you love. Will he ask me to marry him? Will she say yes? What if she says no? Funny how the level of doubt and rejection increases along with the level of anticipation. But, the rewards are much greater when we face these fears.
Then comes the granddaddy of anticipation. The one we have been preparing for our entire lives. Parenthood. The wonderful joy we feel at our child’s birth. And the scary realization that we now have to live this adventure of anticipation with them and through them. To help them overcome their doubts and fears and enjoy the lessons that anticipation brings.
Anticipation makes life worth living. And it doesn’t end when we are no longer on the earth. It just keeps getting more exciting along the way.
Choosing a destination vacation is a challenging task for a seventy-year-old man. I’ve done the beachy hotspots. I’ve been to mountains and deserts. I dove off Key West and San Diego.
Now I am searching for that unique vacation. Listed below are some that I am considering.
A trip to the banks of Gitche Gumee of the Shining-Big-Sea-Water. Seriously. Who wouldn’t want to experience the… ‘old woman, pointing with her finger westward, O’er the water pointing westward, to the purple clouds of sunset, fiercely the red sun descending.’ ~ The Song of Hiawatha by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
A trip to Vienna to waltz with my love in my arms (when I’m not tripping over my own two feet). Where we can find… ‘There is a fragment of tomorrow in the museum of winter frost. There is a thousand-windowed dance hall.’ ~ Little Viennese Waltz by Federico Garcia Lorca
Perhaps a trip to recall a past life in Camelot. ‘Willows whiten, aspens shiver. The sunbeam showers break and quiver. In the stream that runneth ever. By the island in the river. Flowing down to Camelot.’ ~ The Lady of Shalott (1832) by Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Then I thought why not go where no one has gone before? ‘Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.’ ~ The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
I could visit the home of my boyhood hero. ‘Robin Hood is here again: all his merry thieves. Hear a ghostly bugle-note shivering through the leaves, Calling as he used to call, faint and far away, In Sherwood, in Sherwood, about the break of day.’ ~ Sherwood by Alfred Noyes
Now as intriguing as all these might sound, they would all require great effort on my part. I would have to leave my recliner. I do this for only special occasions. For the pizza delivery guy and the Amazon Flex driver. It still irks me I have to walk 20 ft. to my mailbox six days a week. And let’s not even talk about trips to the bathroom. So exhausting.
And then I must consider the hassle of flying. Getting to the airport and waiting in endless lines for TSA employees to discover that yes, I do have toothpaste in my bag that could be used as a deadly weapon. I even had one try to extract a gold filling with her tongue. However, I didn’t mind too terribly. She was cute. Just another underpaid government employee.
Then there’s the nerve of some countries to insist on driving on the wrong side of the road. Really? Did they accidentally install steering wheels on the right side of their automobiles by mistake and thought, let’s just drive on the wrong side of the road. Thanks to Napolean, most of Europe adopted his decree to use the right side of the road.
Writing this piece has been quite exhausting. My hands are cramping up and my recliner is crying out CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! Furniture has feelings too. Besides, the pizza guy just arrived. I’m open to other vacation ideas so leave me your recommendations.
It has been thirteen months since my wife died. I have been suffering different stages of grief for most of that time. Then about three weeks ago, a switch flipped within me. It became apparent that I would keep waking up each morning so I might as well try to join the living once more.
I kind of went crazy. I put my house up for sale this past Friday. It sold Saturday. Yeah, that fast. For 15K more than the list price. Fortunately for me, a neighbor just put her condo up for rent and I jumped on that. I still have no clue what I am doing with the rest of my life. But I figured I would jump on this crazy real estate market while it’s hot.
After a few years of retirement, I was bored out of my mind. I took a job at the local Home Depot until I quit to take care of Nancy. While working there I made new friends. I worked with Lila (not her real name) for two years in the same department. I’d like to think we were friends.
After some time she moved on and I had not seen her for about two years. Then one day recently I came across her working in Wal-Mart and we struck up a conversation. This occurred several times and we exchanged phone numbers so we could have uninterrupted conversations.
Last week another awakening occurred. I found my balls that had been missing for years. Who knew they were still between my legs? I called Lila. The conversation went something like this.
“Hi, Lila.”
“Hey, Joe.”
“I have a huge favor to ask you. Would you be my guinea pig and go out to dinner with me? I haven’t been out since Nancy died I have no idea what might happen when I walk into a restaurant. I may turn right around and leave. But, I am ready to try.”
A moment of silence on the other end. “Sure Joe. I would like that. Let’s just see what happens.”
Three days later was “date night.” I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride all day. I was fearful that I would just fall into grief again. And I was nervous to go on my first date in 48 years.
I picked Lila up at her home. As soon as she gets in the car I start to laugh. “What”, she says with a smile.
“I feel like a sixteen-year-old on a first date,” I say. We both have a good laugh.
Lila is a gabber. The girl can talk. I’m grateful for that at this moment. No pressure on me to act like a person.
We arrive at the restaurant. We enter. I don’t lose it. I am present. In the moment. I breathe. We have a great time and I take her to my place after dinner just so she knows where I live and can pop over when and if she likes.
We had a nice conversation. It was another eye-opening moment for me. How different a first date conversation is at the ages of 69 (me) and 59 than one we would have in our twenties. We’ve already been there, done that. Marriage (she has been divorced for 10 years) kids, and homes.
She told me that her marriage was mostly loveless. I could not imagine how hard it would be to stay in a marriage that long without love. It takes a strong person to persevere in those conditions. I know the children were an obvious factor in her decision to stay.
I told her how I have been fortunate to have been surrounded by love my entire life. And if there is one thing I am good at it is love. That brought a smile to her face.
At our age, we have reached the point where we can be somewhat selfish. Who knows where this will go. If anywhere. At least I am putting my toes into the water of life again. For the first time in years, I am excited to see if I still remember how to swim.
Through all this recent activity the most striking change in me is the immense spiritual enlightenment I have recently had. Living in a state of consciousness that every moment in the day is an opportunity to make someone else’s day a touch brighter. A smile. A good morning. A compliment. And even pets. I walk in the park every day and it seems every dog being walked comes right to me for a pet. It’s awesome. Loving moments to brighten my day.
To all my Medium family. Thank you for all you have done. You have been a very significant part of my healing process. I have no idea where I would be without you. Thank you for taking this journey with me and having my back in the darkest of times. My gratitude is boundless.
