It could be anytime, anywhere
When I hold your hand, I disappear
Into your world, into your world
Into your perfect world of love
Spinning, twirling, whirling by
All the moments of my life flying by
Until I hold your hand, when time seems to stand, still
In your perfect world of love
So many days, in so many ways
I feel lost and it’s you I’m calling
And when I hold your hand, I find myself freely falling
Into your perfect world of love
©2024 Joe Merkle All rights reserved
Born in spring, a new life begins
A baby boy born of woman
Inheriting his ancestor’s sins
Crying over once again being human
Youth manifests its boundless energy
Sun rays bake skin golden brown
Playing, prancing, light and fancy-free
With energy that knows no bounds
Tree leaves that fill Van Gogh with jealousy
Love blossoms within expectant hearts
Lover’s bodies meld zealously
A lifetime ahead for these sweethearts
The icy cold clatters these aged bones
Heartbroken by Death’s finality
The flag I fly is skull and crossbones
My body, icy cold, stiff, shivering
An angel of mercy graced my threshold
Tossed aside my insistent futility
Gently, she removed my blindfold
Now spending eternity exploring infinity
©2024 Joe Merkle All rights reserved.
I have had the privilege of sharing great love all my life. When my wife died in May of 2021 I never thought I would feel a deep, loving connection again. But God took pity on me and sent me an angel disguised as a woman. That was rather sneaky of IT as I wanted no part of this earthly existence anymore. I am forever grateful. I just wonder what IT expects in return. Whatever it may be it should be very interesting indeed.
You can only be you. That is a good thing.
As a child, I dreamed I wanted to be Superman, The Flash, Spiderman, Willie Mays, Sandy Koufax, Zeus, Davy Crockett, Tarzan, Zorro, Paul McCartney, and others. It is my firm belief that I was not unusual. There is nothing like a child’s imagination when it comes to creating fantasies. Or is there?
Then we leap into the world of teen madness. The Twilight Zone, where children’s dreams go to die. Yes, the brave new world where that horrible word responsibility enters our vocabulary. I am a firm believer that the average life span of a human should be twelve years. Yes. I know. There would be fertility issues.
As a teen, I wanted to be…uh-hmm, hell if I know. Though I was a good athlete, I was not going to get drafted by the Yankees. I was average. I managed to get good grades without trying. I was socially adequate without trying. I found girls attractive. But not enough to have to convince me it was worth the effort. The greatest achievement I attained in high school was having a modicum of success without trying.
Realizing this I began to ask myself challenging questions. What’s the point of all this? Why am I here? What am I missing? It certainly was not love. I lived with and was part of a loving family. I was not destitute. My family was typical middle-class. Back when that meant something. So, I decided to go on a mission in my junior year.
A spiritual exploration. I was raised Catholic even though my parents seldom went to mass. Did I believe Jesus was the Son of God? Well…yes. But no more than any of us. I considered him and his message to be from a highly enlightened soul who chose to be a coworker with God and make the supreme effort to share his spiritual knowledge with the world. Not unlike many such souls that have walked this earth since the beginning of time and continue to this day to work behind the scenes to help us all.
I and a good friend of mine explored Buddhism for some time. I began to see a common thread. Highly evolved souls that incarnate on earth do not seek earthly rewards. If they do attain material riches they are not attached to them. In Buddha’s case, he walked away from great wealth and influence as a prince to live the life of a beggar taking charity from others. This raised an interesting question in my mind. Does one have to give up the pursuit of material things to reach spiritual enlightenment?
Then one day I was in a bookstore exploring the spirituality section and came across a book written by Brad Steiger, In My Soul I Am Free. In it, the author spends many hours with Paul Twitchell who was the modern-day founder of Eckankar. It delves into the life of Paul and discusses in length the teachings of soul travel and so much more. It has come to light through the years that Steiger was being Steiger and some of what he relates in the book is rubbish. But in the end, the result was bringing to light a most important message to the world. We are souls and we don’t have to die to experience it.
I was given a gift that day in 1972. The most precious of gifts. The realization that I am soul. Not that I have a soul. I am soul. Temporarily using this body. This changed my life in so many ways. It began to slowly sink into my thick skull that it was not an accident I happened to be in that bookstore on that day. That my life was about to drastically change. Scary stuff for a nineteen-year-old. Finally, I had something worth trying.
This all led me to my exploratory years. Those young adult years when everything is on the table. College, sex, drugs, alcohol, travel, work. It was a busy, exciting, life-altering, period of my life. During all of this I had read In My Soul I Am Free several times. Each time brought more moments of enlightenment. Was it the book? Or was I awakening to the fact I am soul? Or both? I can’t really say. In the end, it doesn’t matter. It all led to a most amazing life.
A life filled with great love, adventure, misadventures, and a greater understanding as to why I have been so blessed in this life. It really is a simple formula. It goes like this. Love God (by any name). Share God’s love.
In good times and bad times. All the time. Realize you are soul using a body to accelerate your learning curve. We learn the most from the lessons that test us. Each lesson is just a step toward graduation. There are always teachers guiding us, placing us in positions that test our resolve that eventually open us up to greater understanding. Most often we lack the awareness of their most generous guidance.
How does one gain that awareness? Do you remember when you first learned to drive? Your parents or driver-ed teachers guided you and helped you master what would become an amazing world-changing event. Your outlook and understanding of the world around you grew exponentially. You traveled to places you had never been to.
It is no different when traveling the inner worlds. Spiritual guides help us maneuver through amazing, consciousness-raising experiences throughout higher planes that exist for the benefit of our enlightenment. Most often this is done in the dream state. Why do they choose this task? Love. And so one day we may follow in their footsteps.
On earth, as it is in heaven.
So often throughout human history ignorance and misunderstanding of the role these advanced souls play in our journey home have shined a light on the purpose we are all here for. To learn to rise above ignorance, prejudice, and hate. We will continue to return to the physical plane for countless lifetimes until we learn the only lesson worth learning.
©2022 Joe Merkle All rights reserved.
I realize this piece will have different effects on those that read this. I apologize if this article offends you in any way. It is not intended to do so. Things of a spiritual nature always affect others in unique ways. Each of us is on our own personal journey and like the title of this article states you can only be you. And how wonderful is that? The path we walk toward God-realization is uniquely ours. We have eternity to get there.
May the blessings be.
Originally published on Medium.com
My love
A letter to my wife.
Dear Nancy,
As you well know, I was just 21 when we met. I had no clue what love was. Like everyone else at that age, I thought I did. Upon reflection, nothing could be further from the truth.
If someone at that time told me that I was going to meet this spectacularly beautiful woman who would fall madly in love with me, I would have asked them if they were tripping. I wasn’t looking for love. I was content and married to music then. Way back when my fingers still worked. Of course, you know that.
You were all my wishes come true. Though I didn’t it know then. From the moment we met, I knew I loved you. I know, it wasn’t rational. What’s rational about love?
I am still amazed at how easy love was for you. You gave it freely with no conditions attached. To everyone. But I will be eternally grateful you chose me to share eternity with. Particularly this life, as I am still left to deal with this one for a little while longer.
I have to say that you were one crazy chick when we met. It’s no wonder why I was so attracted to you. Besides your smoking hot body. We became good friends. How many times did we walk down the hall to one another’s apartment to get high and have a beer or six? I think that’s when you fell for my witty charm and good looks. Or began to feel sorry for me. Either way, it worked.
It wasn’t long after that I had the most significant moment in my life. The moment that would shape my future in the most amazing and unimaginable ways. We kissed. Both of us were not sure as you were still in a relationship, though it was failing. That moment in time will be forever imprinted in my brain. But, more importantly, it was the spark that reminded us, souls, that we are forever joined in love.
Every day was special from that moment. Through the good times and bad times. Through all the laughter and tears. Through the births of our children and the deaths of our parents. We had to learn what all parents learn. How to let go. How to watch them leave the nest and spread their wings. Because of you, it was easier than I expected. You just took it in stride, knowing the foundation we created prepared them as best we could.
I am sitting here trying to share with you everything you mean to me. I can’t. Words just fail miserably. All the times you were there for me. For the kids. Hell, for everyone. I only wish I could walk out of the office and hug you from behind like I’ve done a million times while you are preparing something in the kitchen. To kiss your neck until you can’t help but turn to me and say “Stop it. I won’t get dinner done,” as you come in for a kiss with a smile lighting the way.
You should know that many of our friends have been showing me kindness since you moved on. That should come as no surprise as they loved you dearly. As I am sure you are aware our children are coping with your departure in their way. I think it would help our daughter Kelly immensely if you visited her occasionally in her dreams to let her know everything is fine. She is still struggling and occasionally needs a mom hug.
I need to tell you this. You were an amazing mother. And wife. And lover. And friend. And daughter. And sister. You are no longer those things. You are soul. As we all are. And my love for you knows no bounds. It is endless. As is yours. Though you are not here to hold me in your arms your love enfolds me every minute of my life. For this my gratitude is boundless. I thank you for sharing with me such wondrous love. See you soon. Visit anytime.
PS. Take care of our little boy Chewy. I’m sure he is ecstatic about having his favorite lap back in his life.
© 2022 Joe Merkle All rights reserved
Originally published on Medium.com
Such a daunting task
Choosing a destination vacation is a challenging task for a seventy-year-old man. I’ve done the beachy hotspots. I’ve been to mountains and deserts. I dove off Key West and San Diego.
Now I am searching for that unique vacation. Listed below are some that I am considering.
Now as intriguing as all these might sound, they would all require great effort on my part. I would have to leave my recliner. I do this for only special occasions. For the pizza delivery guy and the Amazon Flex driver. It still irks me I have to walk 20 ft. to my mailbox six days a week. And let’s not even talk about trips to the bathroom. So exhausting.
And then I must consider the hassle of flying. Getting to the airport and waiting in endless lines for TSA employees to discover that yes, I do have toothpaste in my bag that could be used as a deadly weapon. I even had one try to extract a gold filling with her tongue. However, I didn’t mind too terribly. She was cute. Just another underpaid government employee.
Then there’s the nerve of some countries to insist on driving on the wrong side of the road. Really? Did they accidentally install steering wheels on the right side of their automobiles by mistake and thought, let’s just drive on the wrong side of the road. Thanks to Napolean, most of Europe adopted his decree to use the right side of the road.
Writing this piece has been quite exhausting. My hands are cramping up and my recliner is crying out CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! Furniture has feelings too. Besides, the pizza guy just arrived. I’m open to other vacation ideas so leave me your recommendations.
©2023 Joe Merkle All rights reserved.
Originally published at https://medium.com/bouncin-and-behavin-blogs/pondering-my-next-vacation-53a03e57403c
It has been thirteen months since my wife died. I have been suffering different stages of grief for most of that time. Then about three weeks ago, a switch flipped within me. It became apparent that I would keep waking up each morning so I might as well try to join the living once more.
I kind of went crazy. I put my house up for sale this past Friday. It sold Saturday. Yeah, that fast. For 15K more than the list price. Fortunately for me, a neighbor just put her condo up for rent and I jumped on that. I still have no clue what I am doing with the rest of my life. But I figured I would jump on this crazy real estate market while it’s hot.
After a few years of retirement, I was bored out of my mind. I took a job at the local Home Depot until I quit to take care of Nancy. While working there I made new friends. I worked with Lila (not her real name) for two years in the same department. I’d like to think we were friends.
After some time she moved on and I had not seen her for about two years. Then one day recently I came across her working in Wal-Mart and we struck up a conversation. This occurred several times and we exchanged phone numbers so we could have uninterrupted conversations.
Last week another awakening occurred. I found my balls that had been missing for years. Who knew they were still between my legs? I called Lila. The conversation went something like this.
“Hi, Lila.”
“Hey, Joe.”
“I have a huge favor to ask you. Would you be my guinea pig and go out to dinner with me? I haven’t been out since Nancy died I have no idea what might happen when I walk into a restaurant. I may turn right around and leave. But, I am ready to try.”
A moment of silence on the other end. “Sure Joe. I would like that. Let’s just see what happens.”
Three days later was “date night.” I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride all day. I was fearful that I would just fall into grief again. And I was nervous to go on my first date in 48 years.
I picked Lila up at her home. As soon as she gets in the car I start to laugh. “What”, she says with a smile.
“I feel like a sixteen-year-old on a first date,” I say. We both have a good laugh.
Lila is a gabber. The girl can talk. I’m grateful for that at this moment. No pressure on me to act like a person.
We arrive at the restaurant. We enter. I don’t lose it. I am present. In the moment. I breathe. We have a great time and I take her to my place after dinner just so she knows where I live and can pop over when and if she likes.
We had a nice conversation. It was another eye-opening moment for me. How different a first date conversation is at the ages of 69 (me) and 59 than one we would have in our twenties. We’ve already been there, done that. Marriage (she has been divorced for 10 years) kids, and homes.
She told me that her marriage was mostly loveless. I could not imagine how hard it would be to stay in a marriage that long without love. It takes a strong person to persevere in those conditions. I know the children were an obvious factor in her decision to stay.
I told her how I have been fortunate to have been surrounded by love my entire life. And if there is one thing I am good at it is love. That brought a smile to her face.
At our age, we have reached the point where we can be somewhat selfish. Who knows where this will go. If anywhere. At least I am putting my toes into the water of life again. For the first time in years, I am excited to see if I still remember how to swim.
Through all this recent activity the most striking change in me is the immense spiritual enlightenment I have recently had. Living in a state of consciousness that every moment in the day is an opportunity to make someone else’s day a touch brighter. A smile. A good morning. A compliment. And even pets. I walk in the park every day and it seems every dog being walked comes right to me for a pet. It’s awesome. Loving moments to brighten my day.
To all my Medium family. Thank you for all you have done. You have been a very significant part of my healing process. I have no idea where I would be without you. Thank you for taking this journey with me and having my back in the darkest of times. My gratitude is boundless.
©2022 Joe Merkle All rights reserved.
Originally published @ https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/my-first-date-b0a070999ecb
They go hand in hand
Which comes first? Love or trust? Can you love without first trusting the one you are sharing it with? Can you trust someone without first experiencing love on some level with said person? Or, are they simply the left and right hands of any feel-good human relationship?
The vast majority of humans learn to trust before they have any concept of love. Their parents and family are the ones they depend on for their daily sustenance and comfort. Their reliance on them is the spark that instills trust. Loving parents and siblings shower them with love. We are surrounding them in a cocoon of protection from the harsh reality of once again being in the flesh.
Most of us are conceived from an act of love. We exist because of God’s love for us.
Trust and love go hand in hand. Is it possible to have one without the other? When we truly love we are trusting ourselves to be a vehicle for that love. No matter the consequences. We choose to trust love regardless of the consequences. When we place our trust in someone it will always contain some level of love. Be it a friend, coworker, lover, or lifelong partner.
Can we love someone without trusting them?
Can we trust someone without some level of love for them?
Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
Which comes first? Love or trust?
I have experienced this from both sides. Placing trust in others eventually led to some level of love for them. And I have experienced a deep, lasting, forever love the moment I met the woman I married and shared my life with. This has led me to more evidence of love bonds from past life experiences.
How can you instantly love someone (that soul connection) without an inkling of trust guiding you? Trusting that inner wisdom?
And then we can play word games. If we combine the two words with a twist we get lust and trove. So is a trove of lust equal to a trusting love? Can mad passionate sex open the doors to a loving, trusting relationship? You be the judge. After all, if you can’t trust yourself can you ever experience self-love?
© 2022 Joe Merkle All rights reserved.
This was originally published on Medium.com.
A Promise Cherished
There are promises.
I promise I will be good today.
I promise to pick you up on time.
I promise to finish the laundry.
I promise to quit smoking.
I promise I will always be your best friend.
And then there are PROMISES.
December 18, 1976. On that cold December day in a suburb of Chicago, a young man and woman were just beginning to understand the most sacred of promises. To love honor and cherish till death do you part.
Yes. That promise. The “I do” promise. Not the easiest to keep. It takes work. More importantly, it requires deep, unconditional love to have any hope of keeping it.
How do I know this? Was it something I read in a book? Or an article like this?
No. I have lived it nearly all my adult life. I was that young man. A young man who made the most significant promise anyone can ever make.
How many promises have you made in your life that completely altered your life? Unselfish promises that while the benefits for yourself would be great, the promise made was for the benefit of another?
The opportunity for such a thing rarely happens in an average lifespan. Marriage and parenthood lead to many such promises. Some are broken. Some should never have been spoken.
The instant I said “I do” I felt the most significant change I have ever felt in my life before or after that moment. In a moment, one frozen in time, I was overcome with love that I could not have imagined at that point in my life.
A singular moment that will be shared for eternity. That and a mile-wide smile on my face when I think about it.
JUST ONE PROMISE…LOVE ME FOREVER
That is the promise we made to each other. No conditions. No limits. My advice to whoever may read this is simple. Love. Love like your life depends on it. Love like your lover’s life depends on it. It does.
Originally published on Medium.com
Ripping off the biggest bandaid
Ten days from now I am heading to the Chicago area. Home. The place where the vast majority of my most treasured moments occurred.
This is it. The BIG BANDAID I need to rip off. I have never been so conflicted in my life. I’m looking forward to seeing many loved ones. I also know I will be surrounded by Nancy’s presence everywhere I go. I will see her in the faces of my children. My daughter is her mini-me.
This may surprise some of you. At my advanced age, I have never been on a road trip alone. Prior to meeting my wife I traveled cross country with friends. She and I had hit the road ten times. I have no pretenses this is going to be easy.
It will be one of the hardest things I have done in my life.
I also know it is something I have to do in this venture of self-discovery. I’ve already learned that grief does fade in time. It is replaced by its cousin, emptiness. The sense of loss. How do you replace such a large part of the person you’ve become? I have no clue.
I do know that my family and friends will be supportive and understanding if and when things get tough. I am intentionally going to make it get tough. To visit all the trigger spots in an attempt to have great memories overshadow the loss I will be simultaneously feeling.
Ripping off that bandaid.
As I write this I wonder if I am ready for this. Or if I’ll ever be ready for this. And I just got my answer…no. So I might as well get it over with. Take one more step into a most uncertain future. I look at it this way. I have a good chance I will be laughing more than crying. That is certainly an upgrade.
Thanks to all who have been following me on Medium for being my sounding board over this past year. My gratitude is boundless.
Note: This trip will likely keep me from spending much time on Medium. Again. Don’t give up on me. I have already promised myself to get back to serious writing and reading after this trip. Wish me luck.
© 2022 Joe Merkle All rights reserved
This article is a sequel to Going Back Home.
The day before I left for my trip home to Chicago I had grave reservations. I almost backed away from the trip, afraid to face what was surely going to be tough times. I would be constantly reminded of the person that no longer walks beside me.
At the same time, it had been too long since I have seen my children, grandchildren, and other family members there. I knew I would get plenty of love and laughter. Two things I desperately needed.
Then I realized what this trip would really be about. Moving on. Ripping the biggest bandaid off. It was in fact a selfish move on my part. This trip was for me. And although loved ones would benefit from my appearance it was me who had the most to gain.
I was fortunate that on the first day of the trip I went to an Eckankar event. For those not familiar with Eckankar it is a spiritual path based on the science of soul travel. Simply put, gaining inner self-awareness as soul. So the event was very uplifting and sent me on my journey feeling blessed.
Day two was the trip to Chicago. Eight hours on the road. Alone. No copilot. And yes, it sucked. But, I have nearly mastered the art of holding back tears. It came in handy on this trip. When I was within an hour of my destination, a trip I’d made many times, I had a strange sensation. It did not feel like I was going home. This was immediately followed by the realization that I will never feel home again. Home is not a place. It’s a person.
I arrived at my oldest child’s home on a Sunday afternoon. Chris and his wife Kristin greeted me with hugs and smiles. My 3 1/2-year-old granddaughter Scarlett had her doubts. I had not seen her for over three years. It was the first time I got to meet my 8-month-old granddaughter Savannah. Scarlett warmed up to me by day three and Savannah is one smiley, little girl. Love all around. They were wonderful hosts.
On my second day there I spent the day with my daughter. I took her on a tour of my life starting with the first home I remember living in. Taking her to all the places I lived in, where I met her mother and fell in love, and the history of us. It was a wonderful day for both of us. Both laughter and tears. Kelly is my wife’s minny me.
In the following days, I spent time with old friends, my brother, sister, nieces and nephews, and cousins. It was all wonderful with much laughter. And moments I could barely hold back the tears. It wasn’t right she wasn’t there. Everyone loved Nancy. You couldn’t help it.
I then realized on day three that my son’s home is about a ten-minute walk from the first home my wife and I purchased. It was a condo. Bordering the condo complex is a park that we walked in with different dogs through the years.
Every morning I walked the park and condo complex to get my three miles in. It was a means of self-torture to some degree. But, that’s the selfish reason I made the trip. To walk that walk. Pain is a byproduct of ripping a bandaid off. It’s worse when you have hairy arms. And even worse if you have gray hairy arms.
The Day After
Upon returning home from my trip I immediately realized it didn’t feel like home either. This confirmed my suspicions earlier that I will likely never feel “home” again. The first night I was busy unpacking, going through three weeks of mail, and otherwise keeping busy before bed.
Day two was everything I expected it to be. Really, really hard. It was a tortuous reminder that I was alone again. It came as no surprise. What did surprise me was my response. The realization was that behind that bandaid I ripped off was a gaping wound. Then came a terrible backslide into self-pity, a sense of loss, and the desire to totally withdraw from life. I just don’t give a damn. I pretend, play the game, and try to convince myself time will heal me.
I realize to become human again will require a supreme effort on my part. That is highly unlikely to occur. Not anytime soon. Not until I actually find a reason for wanting to occupy this body.
I have spent hours over the last month or so attempting to write and publish more on Medium. Most of the time I sit and stare at the screen. My heart’s not in it, which most likely shows while reading the few things I have published. To be honest with you the readers, and myself, I have no idea what my future holds. I want to write. These days, I think my brain is too occupied with just keeping me breathing. What a waste.
Peace. I haven’t felt that in nearly five years. Would I even recognize it if it slapped me in the face? I rather doubt it. Like everything in my life. So what is my goal now? I am going to try to do my best to write myself out of this dark place. Wish me luck.
©2022 Joe Merkle All rights reserved.
I want to once again express my gratitude to those here on Medium that has been so helpful to me in these trying times.