Max and Mandy fell in love at first sight On the school playground at the age of six Sharing their M&M’s candy with delight Mandy bold enough to kiss Max on the lips
They married young, at twenty-one Two months passed and Max went to war Ten months later Mandy birthed their son Night after night she paced the floor
Six months went by without a word She searched for answers with no avail Sending daily letters, she was undeterred Max suffered injuries on a German forest trail
He came home to her a wounded soul Having witnessed the worst of mankind Doing her best at damage control She patched him back towards peace of mind
Many years have passed, their hair grown gray Still holding hands as they gingerly walk the park Sitting on “their” bench on a lovely October day Comfortable in knowing they will soon embark
On a glorious journey that will end their pains Where the Light and Sound will light their paths As their undying love brings more spiritual gains Going home, home at last
Born in spring, a new life begins A baby boy born of woman Inheriting his ancestor’s sins Crying over once again being human
Summer
Youth manifests its boundless energy Sun rays bake skin golden brown Playing, prancing, light and fancy-free With energy that knows no bounds
Autumn
Tree leaves that fill Van Gogh with jealousy Love blossoms within expectant hearts Lover’s bodies meld zealously A lifetime ahead for these sweethearts
Winter
The icy cold clatters these aged bones Heartbroken by Death’s finality The flag I fly is skull and crossbones My body, icy cold, stiff, shivering
But Then…A New Mysterious Season
An angel of mercy graced my threshold Tossed aside my insistent futility Gently, she removed my blindfold Now spending eternity exploring infinity
I have had the privilege of sharing great love all my life. When my wife died in May of 2021 I never thought I would feel a deep, loving connection again. But God took pity on me and sent me an angel disguised as a woman. That was rather sneaky of IT as I wanted no part of this earthly existence anymore. I am forever grateful. I just wonder what IT expects in return. Whatever it may be it should be very interesting indeed.
As you well know, I was just 21 when we met. I had no clue what love was. Like everyone else at that age, I thought I did. Upon reflection, nothing could be further from the truth.
If someone at that time told me that I was going to meet this spectacularly beautiful woman who would fall madly in love with me, I would have asked them if they were tripping. I wasn’t looking for love. I was content and married to music then. Way back when my fingers still worked. Of course, you know that.
You were all my wishes come true. Though I didn’t it know then. From the moment we met, I knew I loved you. I know, it wasn’t rational. What’s rational about love?
I am still amazed at how easy love was for you. You gave it freely with no conditions attached. To everyone. But I will be eternally grateful you chose me to share eternity with. Particularly this life, as I am still left to deal with this one for a little while longer.
I have to say that you were one crazy chick when we met. It’s no wonder why I was so attracted to you. Besides your smoking hot body. We became good friends. How many times did we walk down the hall to one another’s apartment to get high and have a beer or six? I think that’s when you fell for my witty charm and good looks. Or began to feel sorry for me. Either way, it worked.
It wasn’t long after that I had the most significant moment in my life. The moment that would shape my future in the most amazing and unimaginable ways. We kissed. Both of us were not sure as you were still in a relationship, though it was failing. That moment in time will be forever imprinted in my brain. But, more importantly, it was the spark that reminded us, souls, that we are forever joined in love.
Every day was special from that moment. Through the good times and bad times. Through all the laughter and tears. Through the births of our children and the deaths of our parents. We had to learn what all parents learn. How to let go. How to watch them leave the nest and spread their wings. Because of you, it was easier than I expected. You just took it in stride, knowing the foundation we created prepared them as best we could.
I am sitting here trying to share with you everything you mean to me. I can’t. Words just fail miserably. All the times you were there for me. For the kids. Hell, for everyone. I only wish I could walk out of the office and hug you from behind like I’ve done a million times while you are preparing something in the kitchen. To kiss your neck until you can’t help but turn to me and say “Stop it. I won’t get dinner done,” as you come in for a kiss with a smile lighting the way.
You should know that many of our friends have been showing me kindness since you moved on. That should come as no surprise as they loved you dearly. As I am sure you are aware our children are coping with your departure in their way. I think it would help our daughter Kelly immensely if you visited her occasionally in her dreams to let her know everything is fine. She is still struggling and occasionally needs a mom hug.
I need to tell you this. You were an amazing mother. And wife. And lover. And friend. And daughter. And sister. You are no longer those things. You are soul. As we all are. And my love for you knows no bounds. It is endless. As is yours. Though you are not here to hold me in your arms your love enfolds me every minute of my life. For this my gratitude is boundless. I thank you for sharing with me such wondrous love. See you soon. Visit anytime.
PS. Take care of our little boy Chewy. I’m sure he is ecstatic about having his favorite lap back in his life.
It has been thirteen months since my wife died. I have been suffering different stages of grief for most of that time. Then about three weeks ago, a switch flipped within me. It became apparent that I would keep waking up each morning so I might as well try to join the living once more.
I kind of went crazy. I put my house up for sale this past Friday. It sold Saturday. Yeah, that fast. For 15K more than the list price. Fortunately for me, a neighbor just put her condo up for rent and I jumped on that. I still have no clue what I am doing with the rest of my life. But I figured I would jump on this crazy real estate market while it’s hot.
After a few years of retirement, I was bored out of my mind. I took a job at the local Home Depot until I quit to take care of Nancy. While working there I made new friends. I worked with Lila (not her real name) for two years in the same department. I’d like to think we were friends.
After some time she moved on and I had not seen her for about two years. Then one day recently I came across her working in Wal-Mart and we struck up a conversation. This occurred several times and we exchanged phone numbers so we could have uninterrupted conversations.
Last week another awakening occurred. I found my balls that had been missing for years. Who knew they were still between my legs? I called Lila. The conversation went something like this.
“Hi, Lila.”
“Hey, Joe.”
“I have a huge favor to ask you. Would you be my guinea pig and go out to dinner with me? I haven’t been out since Nancy died I have no idea what might happen when I walk into a restaurant. I may turn right around and leave. But, I am ready to try.”
A moment of silence on the other end. “Sure Joe. I would like that. Let’s just see what happens.”
Three days later was “date night.” I was on an emotional rollercoaster ride all day. I was fearful that I would just fall into grief again. And I was nervous to go on my first date in 48 years.
I picked Lila up at her home. As soon as she gets in the car I start to laugh. “What”, she says with a smile.
“I feel like a sixteen-year-old on a first date,” I say. We both have a good laugh.
Lila is a gabber. The girl can talk. I’m grateful for that at this moment. No pressure on me to act like a person.
We arrive at the restaurant. We enter. I don’t lose it. I am present. In the moment. I breathe. We have a great time and I take her to my place after dinner just so she knows where I live and can pop over when and if she likes.
We had a nice conversation. It was another eye-opening moment for me. How different a first date conversation is at the ages of 69 (me) and 59 than one we would have in our twenties. We’ve already been there, done that. Marriage (she has been divorced for 10 years) kids, and homes.
She told me that her marriage was mostly loveless. I could not imagine how hard it would be to stay in a marriage that long without love. It takes a strong person to persevere in those conditions. I know the children were an obvious factor in her decision to stay.
I told her how I have been fortunate to have been surrounded by love my entire life. And if there is one thing I am good at it is love. That brought a smile to her face.
At our age, we have reached the point where we can be somewhat selfish. Who knows where this will go. If anywhere. At least I am putting my toes into the water of life again. For the first time in years, I am excited to see if I still remember how to swim.
Through all this recent activity the most striking change in me is the immense spiritual enlightenment I have recently had. Living in a state of consciousness that every moment in the day is an opportunity to make someone else’s day a touch brighter. A smile. A good morning. A compliment. And even pets. I walk in the park every day and it seems every dog being walked comes right to me for a pet. It’s awesome. Loving moments to brighten my day.
To all my Medium family. Thank you for all you have done. You have been a very significant part of my healing process. I have no idea where I would be without you. Thank you for taking this journey with me and having my back in the darkest of times. My gratitude is boundless.
It was Abbi’s tenth birthday party when she received the greatest gift of her life. Though she didn’t know it then. After she opened all of her presents she couldn’t help but notice her favorite person in the world did not give her a gift. Her Grandpa Joe.
“Abbi. Come outside with me for a minute. I have something to give you,” Grandpa said.
A big smile crossed her face as she thought, it must be something really big he couldn’t wrap.
He reached for a simple envelope in his car and handed it to her. “There is no greater gift I can give to you my sweet girl. Treasure this. Always keep it close. A day will come when it will change your life.”
Abbi opened the unsealed envelope and found a small key attached to a simple rope chain. She took it from the envelope. “I don’t understand, Grandpa. A key? A key to what?”
Grandpa laughed. His usual highly contagious, guttural laugh. He picked her up in his arms and nearly squeezed the life from her. “Promise me you will keep this safe. When you are older this key will change everything for you.”
“I promise. Is it a bank key with lots of money? Or a key to my house I will have when I’m a grownup?”
“Oh no, my sweet granddaughter. It’s far more valuable than that. I wanted to give this to you now because I am getting older by the day. And of all my children and grandchildren you will benefit the most from it. Of that, I am sure.”
“Okay, Grandpa. I will keep it with all my other treasures in my special hiding place.”
Her twenty-fifth birthday was three weeks away. It was going to be her worst birthday. Abbi was holding on to her husband’s arm for dear life as they walked up to the coffin to say their last respects. She looked down at the man who resembled her Grandpa Joe. But it wasn’t him. The light that shone so brightly from within him was gone. Memories came flooding back. Sitting in his lap as he read to her. The first time he took her ice skating. Teaching her how to play guitar. The man had the patience of a saint. Always being there for her school plays. For all her graduations. Her wedding. For her life. And now he’s gone. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry at the service. It was a promise she failed to keep as she buried her face in her husband’s chest. He’ll never meet our children.
She went to her father, the spitting image of his father, Grampa Joe. “Oh, dad,” she said as they hugged each other tightly. He nearly squeezed the breath from her. Stirring another unforgettable memory. More tears.
Mom came to the rescue. Grabbing Abbi’s hand she said, “Come with me. I have something for you.” They stepped outside of the funeral home and went to her parent’s car. Her mom reached in and handed her the manilla envelope she had grabbed. “Your Grandfather gave us this on your tenth birthday. He asked that we give it to you upon his death. He said you will know what to do with it.”
Abbi was dumbstruck. My tenth birthday? The memory of that day came flooding back like a tidal wave. She had forgotten all about the key she was gifted with that day. But I know where it is! “Oh, mom,” she said while she squeezed her mom.
“What is it, honey? Do you know what’s in the envelope?”
“On my tenth birthday, Grampa gave me a key. He told me it was the greatest gift he could give me. To keep it safe. And that I would understand when I got older. I had forgotten all about that key. I’m guessing now that I’m older there is information in the envelope about the key.”
“Well, that sounds like something your grandfather would do. Let’s get back inside before our husbands get lost without us,” her mom said while trying to lighten the mood.
“What’s that?” Abbi’s husband Steve asked while pointing at the envelope.
“It’s a long story. If it’s okay with you I will tell you tonight when we get home.”
“No problem, Pooh.” She inherited that nickname when they first started dating when Steve found out she was a big Winnie The Pooh fan. She warned him back then to never use it in public.
Abbi and Steve arrived home late that evening. Emotionally drained and physically exhausted. They lay intertwined on the bed. Glad to be home. “I can tell your mind is going a mile a minute. What’s up?” he inquired.
“I can’t get my mind off that envelope.”
“So, open it. Do you want me to get it?”
“No. It can wait until tomorrow. I won’t get any sleep if I open it now.” They were both asleep in minutes.
Steve awakened to an empty bed. Slipping from the bed, he threw on some sweats and went on a wife hunt.
After searching everywhere, he looked in the basement as a last resort. There he found his wife. Surrounded by boxes she had brought with her when they bought the house. “I can’t find it, Steve. I can’t find the treasure box I kept when I was little. The key was in that box,” she mumbled.
“Let me help. Was it a cardboard box?”
“No. It was a treasure box my Grampa bought me when I was very young.” Drawing a picture in the air for Steve she said, “It was this big.” It had a keyhole with a key. All my treasures were in there.”
“Well, not all of them,” as he moved in to kiss her.
“Okay. So maybe not,” she smiled in response.
“Are you sure you moved it? Could it still be at your parents’ house?”
“I’m pretty sure I got everything out of there. It’s got to be here somewhere.”
“It’s okay. We will find it. Why don’t we do this? I’ll throw some breakfast together and you can see what’s in the envelope?”
“Breakfast sounds good. I like your plan.”
She sat at the table while Steve was creating pleasing aromas. Opening the envelope, she dumped the contents onto the table. “Oh my God. I can’t believe this! He saved every birthday card I ever sent him.” She stood up and took a card over to show Steve. “Look at this. I had to be like four or five.”
Steve looked at the card while Abbi leaned against him. It was no surprise that Winnie The Pooh took center stage in it. Hape berday Gapa was written in purple crayon. Her tears were streaming down his bare chest. “Wow. He really cherished you,” was his only response.
Mixed in with the cards she found a handwritten letter. She read the letter to her husband.
Dear Abbi,
I have loved you since the day you were born. Some things in life are unexplainable. Love is certainly one of those. Those instant love connections between two strangers. You shared with me the love you felt for Steve the instant you met him. I knew then you would marry him and have a wonderful life together. I knew the very first time I laid eyes on you that we would share a special bond. The key I gave you long ago is the key to this bond between us. I know if you are reading this I have moved on to better and brighter things. Don’t be sad for me. I am having the most amazing time with your grandmother. Now, down to business. You will find a small chest in the workroom of my basement. That key I gave you will open the chest. Do you remember what I told you when I gave you the key? That it will be the greatest gift you will ever receive? I might have exaggerated a bit. But not much. I hope Steve is reading this with you. I have inside information your family will be growing soon. Wonderful gifts are in your future. I’ve already met your children. I love you. I’ve always loved you. I will love you forever.
Grampa
PS. If you lost the key just break the latch open. I won’t be needing it anymore.
Tom brought their plates over and kissed the top of her head before sitting down. “I should have bought stock in Kleenex,” he said while handing her a box. “Eat before it gets cold. Shit. We’re going to have kids. I mean that in a good way. He met our children?”
Taking a bite of the omelet Tom conjured up she said, “You should have been a chef. I’m so grateful I married a man who could cook. If you teach our children I may never have to cook again,” she joked.
“Uhm, no. As long as I’m alive you will be required to make your Chicken a la King.”
“Okay,” she laughed. “I suppose if I must. I’m going to shower before getting back to the search.”
“Yeah. I need a shower as well. I’m feeling dirty,” he said with a devious smile.
After some well-deserved sexual recreation, they both returned to the basement to search for the key. After hearing Abbi say time after time “I can’t believe I saved this stuff,” she jumped up with the key in her hand. “YES! I FOUND IT! Come on Steve. We need to get to Grampa’s house and find that chest.”
“This is hard,” she said as she unlocked the front door to enter her Grampa’s house for what could be the last time. She stood just inside the door. Scanning the room she knew so well. Trying to leave a mental image in her mind she would never forget. The painting of her grandmother as a young woman. Family photos scattered everywhere. And the Grampa smells. His scent was everywhere. Steve took her hand. “Come on, Pooh. Let’s go downstairs and find this treasure chest.”
In just minutes they found a small chest with a lock on it. The key given to Abbi years ago slid in easily. “I feel like we just found a pirate treasure,” she said while opening the chest.
Within the chest were books and journals. This is the greatest treasure? She put the books aside and began to examine the journals. Her grandfather journaled his spiritual experiences. Decades worth. Sharing inner experiences while soul traveling. She was mesmerized as she lightly scanned through one of them. “My God, Tom. Are you seeing this?”
Tom sat skimming through one of the books. It was titled In My Soul I Am Free. It was a first-edition print dated 1968. He picked up another titled Stranger By The River. The print date was 1980. Skimming through it he found many highlighted passages her grandfather must have thought were significant. “Listen to this,” as he read. “As long as the mind continues with thee in its present state, even the love for the beautiful, it is pouring its God energies into the external world and unbalancing Soul’s forces. So, I tell you to turn thy energies within and receive the blessings of God. Here’s another one. How does one reach the state beyond self? That state is beyond wisdom and beyond all but love. I tell you this when you have attained wisdom and gone beyond illusion, then you shall shine forth with splendor, as doth the sun shining upon the earth.” “Wow, Pooh. Maybe your grandfather was right. Just maybe you have been given the greatest gifts one can give.”
It all began to make sense to Abbi. How nothing ever seemed to bother or upset her grandpa. He always seemed to be in a state of calm. He was in awe of the simplest of things life had to offer. She realized at that moment he had always been her shining light. “I miss him more than ever. I have so many questions now.”
“Listen to this one. All things will gravitate to thee if ye will let love enter thine own heart, without compromise. Love inspires the heart, first as human love. This is the love that desires to serve its beloved, husband, wife, children, family, friends, or human ideals, and things of this world, during thy existence here in this life. Then the heart becomes refined by selflessness and love possesses thee. He never talked to you about any of this?”
“Let’s get this packed up and take this chest home. We have the rest of our lives to digest this. And Tom? Be honest with me. Is this freaking you out?”
“Absolutely! In the best way possible. Think about this, Pooh. We get to give our children the greatest gift possible. And it all came from the love your grandfather had for you.”
“Did I tell you lately how much I love you,” she said.
“Yes. In the shower this morning,” he said with the biggest grin.
Abbi bought a lovely gold chain for the key. She wears it every day.
Which comes first? Love or trust? Can you love without first trusting the one you are sharing it with? Can you trust someone without first experiencing love on some level with said person? Or, are they simply the left and right hands of any feel-good human relationship?
The vast majority of humans learn to trust before they have any concept of love. Their parents and family are the ones they depend on for their daily sustenance and comfort. Their reliance on them is the spark that instills trust. Loving parents and siblings shower them with love. We are surrounding them in a cocoon of protection from the harsh reality of once again being in the flesh.
Most of us are conceived from an act of love. We exist because of God’s love for us.
Trust and love go hand in hand. Is it possible to have one without the other? When we truly love we are trusting ourselves to be a vehicle for that love. No matter the consequences. We choose to trust love regardless of the consequences. When we place our trust in someone it will always contain some level of love. Be it a friend, coworker, lover, or lifelong partner.
Can we love someone without trusting them? Can we trust someone without some level of love for them? Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Which comes first? Love or trust?
I have experienced this from both sides. Placing trust in others eventually led to some level of love for them. And I have experienced a deep, lasting, forever love the moment I met the woman I married and shared my life with. This has led me to more evidence of love bonds from past life experiences.
How can you instantly love someone (that soul connection) without an inkling of trust guiding you? Trusting that inner wisdom?
And then we can play word games. If we combine the two words with a twist we get lust and trove. So is a trove of lust equal to a trusting love? Can mad passionate sex open the doors to a loving, trusting relationship? You be the judge. After all, if you can’t trust yourself can you ever experience self-love?
Friendship is the ultimate form of love Someone you think the world of A love connection between two souls A bond written on sacred scrolls Someone you think the world of
Friendship is a love connection Deeper than human affection Always there for you in the best of times Saviors in your most trying times While accepting all your imperfections
Laughing, crying, living, dying Shouldering all that is terrifying A lifetime of love, a bond unbroken No words ever need be spoken Friends, you are the wind beneath my wings
What is friendship? Encyclopedia Britannica defines it like this: friendship, a state of enduring affection, esteem, intimacy, and trust between two people. In all cultures, friendships are important relationships throughout a person’s life span.
How is it that encyclopedias always seem to find a way to make the most meaningful human experiences sound like a classroom lesson taught by an AI robot?
My definition of friendship: Friendship is a love connection. Deeper than a mere handshake or a kiss on the cheek. Time and space do not alter these bonds. Nor do years of separation. A true friend will gladly share your happiest moments and your most trying times. A friend no matter the circumstances.
To quote Lou Gehrig — “I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of this earth.” I have friends in my life that go back 65 years. I have more than a handful of friends that inspired the poem above. Many were in or at my wedding. And consoled me when my best friend, my wife, died. They have been there for the good and bad times. They will be in my heart for all time.
